Fears

Fear. I don't know why I am ever afraid but I realize that I live in a low state of fear almost always. On many occasions it has been about pleasing others, making sure they were happy or at least not upset with me. An example: in a former relationship, I would make sure all the spoons were aligned in the drawer for "fear" that J would be upset if they were all akimbo. (The reasoning? When aligned they won't scratch!!) I often use that example to show myself how silly it all is.

But fear is more for me. While in prayer in this passage from Luke, I began to realize that my deeper non-neurotic fear is much more existential. It is about being relevant, about making a difference, about mattering or having a purpose in the world that others will notice and appreciate. Put in a different way, it is about wondering if I matter in the world.

The grace that descended on me in this prayer time is related to yesterday's post: the only one I really matter to is God., and God loves me utterly even in my vulnerability. His living gaze never leaves me even when I am in a "dark place."

Thus, I am loved by God and my relevance is rooted in simply becoming whatever God  has made me to be. I am allowed simply to be me and do not have to worry about keeping spoons in order. I have "beauty" (relevance) simply because I have been "wonderfully made". Wow! What a revelation to my heart.

I still fear being irrelevant, of not mattering, but I have an antidote to those dark feelings. Recalling God's loving gaze calms my heart.

-- based on Luke 12:22-34